Abuser is the New “A” Word

Deep down, an abuser is nothing but a controlling asshole. Worse, abusers justify their asshole behavior with internal dialogue that says, “Someone treated me badly in the past, so I get to treat someone else badly now.” Abusers delight in the fact that they have been mistreated because it provides them with excuse after excuse to mistreat others. It’s a vicious cycle that humanity has never been able to break.

If you want to know if that asshole in your life is actually an abuser, below are a few signs. I’ve placed them in the order of most obvious to least obvious.

That asshole who molests and rapes others is the most obvious abuser. Anyone who touches you or has sex with you without your consent is the most abusive asshole out there. This abuser chooses victims from the youngest of the young to the oldest of the old, from the wide awake to the comatose, and from the alive to the dead. No one is off limits to this asshole. These abusers are the sickest of the sick.

Anyone who pushes, grabs, shakes, hits, and/or beats you is not only an asshole but an abuser. The asshole who pushes you against the wall because you dare talk back is engaging in abusive behavior. That asshole who gets angry, grabs you by the upper arms, and shakes you while screaming in your face is abusive. The asshole who backhands you across the face because you said something he or she didn’t like is abusing you. That asshole who beats you up because you forgot to do something he or she asked you to do is being abusive. Be careful if you push or hit back to get the abuser away from you because, when you call the police, he or she will just accuse you of being abusive, which is just another form of abuse and one that usually works.

Assholes who punch walls, kick furniture, and throw things are abusing you through intimidation. They aren’t touching you, so you can’t accuse them of physical abuse. But they are scaring the shit out of you, and they know it. They use that fear to control you. These assholes get you to do whatever they want you to do by doing to inanimate objects what they will do to you if you don’t comply.

Another form of abuse through intimidation is when some asshole yells and screams at you, calls you names, and/or berates and demeans you. Verbal abuse can hurt you mentally, emotionally, and psychologically. You may end up feeling confused, hurt, angry, anxious, depressed, or unsure of yourself. The verbal abuser uses words to beat on your self-esteem until you’re convinced that every horrible thing they say about you is true. Eventually, you’ll believe that you actually are the bitch, cunt, jerk, asshole, monster, piece of garbage, or waste of life the abuser say you are. The longer this abuse goes on, the more likely you are to put up with it because you’ll be convinced that everyone thinks you’re just as horrible as your abuser does. Another word of warning – if you yell and scream back in an effort to get a word in edgewise, your abuser will probably tell you that you’re being abusive.

Abusers lie and gaslight almost constantly. If the asshole you have the misfortune of having in your life can’t open his or her mouth without lying, then you’re dealing with an abuser. If your abuser’s lips are moving, then he or she is probably lying. If you ever confront the abuser about the constant lying and gaslighting, you’ll probably get a response along the lines of “I never said that” or “I don’t recall saying that.” This is something I like to call lying-upon-gaslighting.

That person who pushes your boundaries is an abusive asshole. Whenever you tell this person no, he or she will do whatever it takes to turn your no into a yes. If you say, “Don’t talk to me that way,” he or she will say even worse things to you. If you say, “Don’t touch me,” this asshole will touch you even more. If you push your abuser away, the asshole will pin you down even harder. Abusers consider “no” to be nothing more than a challenge, and they are determined to change “no” to “yes” no matter what it takes. Pushing your boundaries is a way for these assholes to assert their dominance over you, and it’s abusive.

The asshole who mooches off you and/or always needs to borrow money from you is an abuser. Specifically, this asshole is financially abusing you. The best thing to do is cut ties. However, if this asshole happens to live with you, then you are in real trouble. This type of abuser will move in with you, lose his or her job, refuse to get a new one, stop paying rent, start eating your food, never help around the house, then verbally abuse you until you give him or her money. If the two of you are just renting, then the best solution for you is to move out and leave this asshole behind. But if you can’t move out because you are buying and still have a mortgage loan to pay, you’ll probably end up putting up with the abuse because you must give this asshole thirty-days’ notice before being able to evict him or her. While the clock ticks on the thirty days, you still have to live with the asshole, and the abuse will get much worse.

That asshole who hurts you again and again and then immediately cries, apologizes, and/or makes excuses is abusing you. “I’m so sorry. I’ll never do it again,” isn’t an apology. It’s the abuser’s prelude to the next bout of abuse. “Please don’t leave me. I can’t live without you. I love you,” isn’t sweet. It’s emotional manipulation. And people who hurt you because they’re angry or upset about someone or something aren’t just assholes but also abusers.

Now we get to the least obvious abusers, which are the assholes who molest and rape others. That’s right, sexual abusers are both the most and least obvious abusers. It really depends on who the abuser is. For some reason, the closer your relationship with your molester or rapist, the more likely society is to give the asshole a pass. The most disgusting form of abuse, unless perpetrated by a stranger, is often the least recognized as abuse. Let that sink in.

Abusers come in all shapes and sizes. They can be your parent, sibling, child, or any other family member. They could also be your spouse, partner, friend, classmate, coworker, or even your boss. No matter who the abusers are, they all deserve to be called out for their mistreatment of others. We need to shame these fucking assholes for hurting others. Then maybe the abusers would lose their strength, and their victims could escape.

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