Conservative is the new “C” Word

Basically, what I’m saying is that conservatives want the status quo benefiting rich, white men and the patriarchy to continue to dominate society.

The “C” word I’m talking about is the worst one, the dirtiest, the one spelled C-U-N-T. Yes, that’s right. Conservatives are assholes, bitches, dicks, and bastards all rolled into one. They are See You Next Tuesdays. Why do I think this? Here’s why:

Conservatives are cruel. Conservatives support the death penalty. They want to kill any social program that helps the needy. They want employment to feel like a prison sentence. They want to force women to give birth and then watch the child die of starvation and neglect. They think poor people are the only ones who should go to prison or fight in wars. They hate anyone who isn’t like them and wish them all raped or dead. Cruelty is the number one trait of the conservative.

Conservatives are condescending. They think they know it all and won’t consider any viewpoint other than their own. They have no empathy and won’t even try to imagine what it’s like to walk in anyone else’s shoes. They think they’re better than everyone and won’t shut up about all the reasons why this is so. Without condescending to other people, the conservative thinks he or she would be liberal. They can’t have that.

Conservatives are cash-obsessed. You know those poor people who buy lottery tickets even though they don’t have money to spare? They’re conservatives. They’re convinced that others will respect them as soon as they have money. So, they keep buying those tickets even if it means their kids go without food. The rich conservatives are no better. As soon as they get a taste of a buttload of cash, they don’t want to be associated with or even think about people with less. They shit on any mention of helping those less fortunate. And suddenly, paying taxes is only for losers. Money is the root of conservativism.

Conservatives are cult-like and cliquey. They will follow the leader and drink the Cool-Aid even though it will probably kill them. They target “others” so they can feel included. Their relationships are based solely on common enemies. They couldn’t be individuals if their survival depended on it. A conservative will never be seen out in the wild, going it alone. They are too chicken-shit to make it without the cult. Cliques are the building blocks of conservativism.

Conservatives are contradictory, by which I mean hypocritical. They have sex outside of marriage. They get (or pay for) abortions. They cheat on their partners. They get divorced. They do drugs. They drink to excess. They engage in verbal, mental, emotional, financial, sexual, and physical abuse. They rape and murder. But they’ll still lie through their teeth and say they don’t, all while judging others for doing the same things. If a conservative does it, then it’s right. If a liberal does it, then it’s wrong. “Do as I say, not as I do” is the conservative hypocritical oath.

Conservatives are childish. For fuck’s sake, their slogan is “own the libs.” How much more childish can they get? Their mental state is that of a schoolyard bully. The conservative brain never graduated from high school. They are stuck at the prom. And they not only go to every high school reunion, but they also help organize it every five years. The conservative will do anything to keep ahold of his or her youth because acting like a bratty child is the only thing that makes them feel alive.

Conservatives are controlling and codependent. You know that mother who demands her children be perfect? She’s a conservative. You know that man, rich or poor, who must dominate everyone around him? He’s a conservative. You know that boss who must demean his or her workers? That person is a conservative. And they can’t ever be without an audience because they are codependent. Without someone to boss around and control, they feel less than human. Codependence is such a huge problem that there’s a twelve-step program dedicated to managing it. It’s called Co-dependents Anonymous. Check out the coda.org website if you’d like to be cured of your conservatism.

Basically, what I’m saying is that conservatives want the status quo benefiting rich, white men and the patriarchy to continue to dominate society. When the status quo diverts from that position, conservatives will do whatever it takes, legal or illegal, to force the status quo where they want it. They will manipulate, lie, cheat, steal, abuse, rape, and even kill to get what they want when they want it. Some conservatives may look like nice people from the outside, in their expensive suits, chaste pearls, and fancy homes. But look into their minds and souls, and you’ll find some of the darkest black holes in the universe. Beware.

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